


An invisible obstacle

by ShinMeiko



Series: What if multiverse [6]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli, Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-12 01:41:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19219021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinMeiko/pseuds/ShinMeiko
Summary: Bram and Simon are getting serious. Sex serious. But Simon is feeling insecure, because Bram has been there before. Could he be disappointed by Simon when they take the big step?Sequel to 'Chapter 17 - What if Bram had a boyfriend back in Savannah?' in my 'what if' series.





	1. Thinking about it

I am fine with it. There is no reason for me not to be fine with it. It would be crazy not to be fine with it.

And yet it bothers me.

Bram had a boyfriend. It was before me. He partly broke up with him because of me. Not only it would be unfair to blame Bram for something that happened before he even knew me, but I also know that I won this. Yet, I still feel threatened by it. However ridiculous I know this is.

Most days, I am simply blissfully happy with my boyfriend. Some days, however, I feel Alex between us like an invisible obstacle. It strikes me when something happens that feels brand new to me but that I know isn’t new to Bram.

My first kiss wasn’t his first kiss. My first date wasn’t his first date. My fingers weren’t the first ones to make their ways under his clothes. I don’t know how many other firsts Alex got that I won’t. I haven’t asked Bram yet. I can’t.

 

Right now, though, it’s not on my mind. Right now, I am lying in Bram’s bed, cuddled against his chest, watching a movie on his laptop. My hand is rubbing his chest, his fingers are caressing my back, and I completely melted in the moment.

I am in this strange state, between awake and asleep.

I shiver and Bram pulls his blanket over us. I look at him and smile. “Always so thoughtful.”

He detaches his eyes from the screen and looks right back at me. Damn. Those golden eyes. Those last few days, whenever Bram looks at me, there are those words that rush in my mind, but that I can’t quite say. I don’t know if it would be too much. I don’t know if he’s there yet. I don’t know if he’s said it before.

There we go. I’m spiraling again. Letting a boy that’s no longer in the picture find his way to my relationship.

“Simon, where is your mind going?”

“Nowhere. I’m here.”

Bram shuts his laptop and moves it away from the bed. He shifts under the covers and his lips are on my neck. “Are you really?” He asks.

Well, now I am. I’m not even a little asleep, I’m not at all thinking about his ex-boyfriend. I’m only thinking about the feeling of Bram’s tongue on my skin and what it does to me. When Bram’s fingers slide through my hair, it unlocks something in me, and the words slip out in a breathy voice. “I love you.”

Bram freezes against me. Slowly, almost in slow motion, he moves back. Not much. Just enough to get eye-contact again. He looks surprised, but his eyes sparkle. I know this glimmer. It happens when he wins a soccer game, when I agree to go on a date with him, when he came out to his mother and she was so great about it… whenever he’s happy.

“What did you say?” he asks.

I can feel my cheeks burn. “I love you,” I repeat nonetheless. It feels so good to be able to say it. His eyes sparkle even more.

One of his hands comes to brush my cheek. “You are quite a gift,” he says. “I thought… I used to think I knew what it meant. Being in love. And I could not understand why it felt wrong to say it. That’s because this wasn’t it. This is it. The way you make me feel, it’s… overwhelming. You’re not a boy I’m attracted to. You’re my best friend. You’re the boy I chose. You’re the person that I want to talk to when I’m feeling lonely, or happy, or sad, or bored, or… I think I just want to talk to you all the time. I love you too, Simon. You make me not be afraid.”

Now that was freaking beautiful. Not just the whole declaration of love, but also the reference to the past. He did say it before. He thought he meant it. But we are different. We are stronger. That, more than anything else he said, makes me feel so special. It washes away my insecurities. I’m not _a_ boy in Bram’s love life. I am _the_ boy. It reminds me of that time he said that having a first boyfriend and having a first love weren’t the same things.

I think it is what we are. Each other’s first loves.

I kiss him again. “Why are you so much better at this?”

Bram kisses me back. “I wanted to say it first. Since you did that, I simply had to outshine you, didn’t I?” There is a glimmer of mischief in his eye.

In a swift movement, I get on top of Bram and straddle him. “I love you because you are funny,” I say. “And smart.” I kiss his lips briefly. “And cute.” My lips move to his jawline. “And caring.” I move to his throat and his breath quickens. “And kind.” I pull his t-shirt up. “And hot.” I let my fingers run down his chest, all the way to his belly button, and I can see all his muscles contract one by one, following my touch.

Bram takes his t-shirt off completely, and he pulls me back in for a kiss. It’s the least innocent kiss we ever had. I am so hard that I don’t know if it will ever come down, and I can feel that he is too.

I know that this isn’t where this is going, because it’s still too soon, but right now, I can’t take my mind off sex. What would it feel like, to go all the way with Bram? Would it be as good as I imagine late at night? Would it be better? Can it be better? Bram slides his fingers under my clothes, and I know it can. I know nothing will ever match, or even compare.

Bram flips us to be on top, and I let him take charge of the make-out session. My certainty is slowly melting away as Bram’s lips are getting more insistent, traveling on all my exposed skin, making me noisy and leaving me wanting more. Is sex really not where this is going?

I don’t feel like I could instigate it, but if he asks me too, right now, in the heat of the moment, I’ll definitely say yes.

I even think that I want him to ask.

But that’s when we hear a car park in front of his house. Bram groans of frustration in my neck. His mother is back, playtime is over.

“Should we… continue this later?” he asks.

“Absolutely. Let’s not even talk next time. Let’s just resume from here.”

Bram laughs and kisses me one last time before looking for his t-shirt. I wasn’t entirely joking.

Then again, maybe it’s a good thing we got interrupted. I think we need to talk about this before it happens. We’ll have to do that soon. I seem to have no restraint whatsoever when we touch.

 

 


	2. Talking about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is here a bit later than I expected, but at least it's longer than the other one, so... half forgiven again?
> 
> Also, they is more drama than I planned to, but who doesn't love drama? (when it ends well.)

When we make it to Bram’s room, we’re already kissing. Lately, there has been a fire and a hunger in our interactions that is scaring me a little bit. It’s like… my body was taking over my brain.

Even though his house is empty, Bram kicks his door shut, not even decreasing the space between us. We bump into his desk and Bram doesn’t adjust our trajectory. He gently but firmly pushes me on the desk and I am now sitting on it, Bram standing between my legs, both hands cupping my face, kissing me so fiercely that I might just ignite.

Almost on their own volition, my hands pull Bram’s T-shirt up. He breaks the kiss to let me take it off and his lips are soon back on mine. His hands, however, start wandering. I’m too hot, so I pull back to get my own T-shirt back. When Bram’s lips return, they are not on mine anymore. They are on my jaw, my neck, my shoulders…

My breath is fast, irregular and noisy. It used to make me self-conscious but fully embrace it now. I let myself enjoy those moments fully, and I know that Bram doesn’t mind. Actually, I know that Bram enjoys it. Just like I enjoy hearing him.

Bram’s fingers unbutton my jeans, and I assume that he is going to slide his fingers in there, just like we’ve done a few times. No, let me rephrase. I really hope that he is going to slide his fingers in there, just like we’ve done a few times.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he starts kissing my chest down, and he is soon kneeling in front of me. It is the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen. I think I could die, just from seeing this. I want this so badly that it hurts in my stomach. It’s almost unbearable.

But then, as Bram is pulling down my underwear, it all becomes too much. It feels like too much. It feels like a massive step. I don’t know if it should be. A lot of teenagers have oral sex. It’s not real sex. Or is it? It doesn’t feel like jerking each other off. I don’t think I could do that to Bram? Can I let him do that if I won’t return the favor? I’m not even sure I want him to do it to me.

My body _really_ wants it. I don’t think I’ve ever been this hard. But my mind is feeling confused.

Bram makes eye contact with me, and I think he can see all of that. I think he can read me like an open book.

“Si?”

“Bram, I… I don’t think I can do that to you.”

“I’m not doing this so you would do it to me. I am doing this because I want to make you feel good.” His words are perfect. His smile is so nice. Physically, I just want him to stop talking and take all of me in his mouth. But he doesn’t. Because he sees that mentally, I am absolutely not there.

“Si? Talk to me, baby.”

“I just… I don’t think I’m ready.”

“Oh. Okay.”

He stands up and I can feel myself deflate like an old balloon. I tidy myself up, and I struggle to put a word on what I’m feeling. Disappointed? Upset? Ashamed?

I can’t look at Bram. I’m oddly close to tears. I’m shaking and Bram holds me. Tight. I wrap my arms around him and I close my eyes, letting the smell of him fill my nose, calming me down.

“Hey, Si, it’s alright.”

“Are you disappointed?”

“What? Are you crazy? Of course, not. Listen… I want everything with you. But on your own time.”

His words are like iced water poured all over me. On _my_ own time? The words pass my lips even before I realize I was thinking them. “Did you have sex with Alex?”

Bram’s arms stiffen around me for a second, then he sighs. “I thought we were passed all of this.”

“I know, I…” Bram lets go of me and that terrifies me. I’m suddenly afraid that this is it. That he is finally fed up with his insecure, inexperienced, whiny boyfriend. “Please don’t break up with me.”

“What? Simon, stop, you’re spiraling. Again. I am not going to break up with you because you refused oral sex. Or because you have this weird inferiority complex with a boy that I sort of left because _you_ showed me that I could have more.”

His hands are suddenly on my face, and he forces me to look at him. “Simon, I don’t mean that literally, because I understand that insecurities come from a lot of different places, so I’m not trying to dismiss them. But you are being ridiculous. You need to let go of Alex. I don’t want to focus on him. I want to focus on you. I don’t want him to be in the background of our story. I know that… it has more to do with me having… more experience than with Alex, but… Simon, I need you to stop torturing yourself and make me feel guilty for having a past.”

“Guilty? Bram, I don’t blame you!”

“I know you don’t. Not really. But I can see it hurts you sometimes, and it’s killing me.” I look into his beautiful brown eyes, and I can see that he is quite close to tears too, now. I really am a lousy boyfriend. Bram takes my hand and he takes me to his bed. He sits against the wall, I sit against the headboard. My legs are on his and our fingers are intertwined.

“I don’t want to make it about Alex,” I promise. “I just need to know… how much more experience you have. Compared to me. I want to know what I need to live up to.”

“You don’t need to live up to anything, Simon. You are you, and we are us. I could have had fifty lovers that being with you would still be special. But I’ll answer your questions. So we can both move on. Yeah?”

I nod. He takes a deep breath, and he says: “I had sex with Alex.” I expect it to hurt, but it doesn’t. I really don’t blame Bram for his past, and I don’t resent him either. I didn’t lie. I don’t care that much about Alex anymore. I just need to know what Bram’s history is. “Three times. The first time was when we found out I was moving. I don’t think either of us was ready. He didn’t do anything wrong, and it was a nice moment, it just wasn’t… our best timing. Then once every time I visited. Well… not the time we broke up, obviously. But it wasn’t… it wasn’t like you and me.”

“What do you mean?”

“There was attraction, but… there was no fire. I wanted to have sex with him, and I really didn’t force myself, but it’s not like I couldn’t keep my hands off him either. Do you know what I mean?” I shake my head. I really don’t. In my life, there are the boys I wouldn’t want to have sex with. Like Nick. And there is Bram. And I definitely can’t take my hands off him. “For instance… that thing I was going to do to you… I’ve never done that before. I’ve never wanted to do that to anyone. Until you and your ridiculously hot sex noises.”

That surprises me. That the evolution of our sex life would be different than his sex curve with someone else. And that we could do things he has never done before while not doing things he has done before. That’s when I realize that what he did before doesn’t matter. We are not trying to match it, or to do better. We are doing our own thing, and it will be different. Someone else had a first time with Bram, but I have other firsts to share with him.

“What id you’re disappointed? By the sex, I mean.”

“Simon… it’s sex. Trust me, I’ll be happy to be there.”

“Be serious.”

“I am. You act like you have something to prove, but what about me? It will be your first time. What if _I_ disappoint you?”

“You won’t!”

Bram smiles at me. “See… that’s what I mean. You’re insecure, I’m insecure, but… if we move on together, at our own pace, I know we’ll be great.”

I nod. “Don’t you miss it, though? Sex?”

“Simon, I was in a long-distance relationship. I wasn’t having an active sex life. I mean… I really want to have sex with you. I think about it _a lot_. But I don’t think I’m ready. Just because I’ve done it before doesn’t mean I’m ready to jump into bed with you. We’re just… not there yet.”

I nod. I get it. It reassures me to know that I am not fighting against myself trying to catch up with Bram. He is not somewhere waiting for me, he is right there, taking that journey with me. “And when we… get there… what are you… like when you had sex with Alex, what did you…”

“Are you asking me if I’m a top or a bottom?”

I feel my face heat up a bit. “I guess so?”

“Simon… I don’t want you to start picturing things in your over-imaginative head. I’ll try anything with you. Whatever works for us. Regardless of what I have or haven’t done.”

“I think… I don’t think I want to be the one doing it. I mean… I know we’ll both be doing it, but… You know what I mean, right?” Why can’t I get the words out? It’s not like Bram is going to laugh at me for using the actual terms. I’m ridiculous.

“I know what you mean.”

Bram looks a bit relieved, and I am so grateful to him to have been willing to try anything even though he clearly has a preference. I kiss him. He is a bit surprised, but he kisses me back. “I love you,” I whisper.

“I love you too.” After a pause, he adds, “Is that pretty head of yours appeased?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Sorry for freaking out.”

“It’s okay. I’d rather have you freak out every time and telling me than letting me do something you’re not ready for. So here is the thing. Next time we make out, I’ll stick to what we are already comfortable with. And if at any point you feel comfortable with me going down on you, just let me know. If we both feel like it, it will happen then. Sounds good?”

“Sounds perfect. God, how are you so perfect?”

“I’m trying to be worthy of you,” he answers with a wink, and I swear I’m falling all over again.

We end up watching a movie, to break down a bit of the tension. We are sitting side by side, heads tilted towards each other, my head on his shoulder, his head in my hair.

We are still shirtless and, once in a while, I let my eyes drift from the screen to his abs.

Suddenly, half-way through the movie, without any obvious reason, I can’t focus on the story anymore. My mind keeps going back to that vision of Bram kneeling in front of me. I am painfully aware of everywhere we touch, and everywhere we don’t. and I’m getting hard.

This is beyond ridiculous. An hour ago, I was almost crying in panic because he offered to do that, and right now I feel like I’d sell a kidney for him to do that again. What’s wrong with my brain?

I’m trying to focus on the movie again, but I can’t. Instead, I stare at Bram and his wonderfully perfect jawline. After a few seconds, he looks at me too.

“What?”

“How interested are you in that movie?”

He shuts down the laptop instantly. “Not very,” he answers with a cheeky smile. I grab his neck and pull him for a kiss.

“Bram,” I say after a few minutes, and I already sound completely out of breath. He hums to notify that he heard me, but his lips are still traveling on my neck. “Bram, I think I’m ready… For you to put your mouth on me…”

Bram stops kissing me and looks at me with surprise in his eyes. “Are you sure?” I nod. “Okay… let me know if it gets too much again, yeah?”

“Yeah!”

And he gets down there. It’s too much, but in a good way. This time, it’s the best kind of too much.

 

 


	3. Doing it

I don’t recognize my bedroom. My bed is made, smothered music is playing in the background, and the room is filled with the soft, golden, gleaming halo of hundreds of fairy lights.

I wasn’t in the shower that long.

I don’t even hear him coming, but suddenly, Bram is behind me, chest on my back, arms around my torso. His lips are on the nape of my neck.

“Sorry if it’s cheesy.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s perfect.”

“We don’t have to do anything, you know that, right? We can do as much or as little as you want.”

I tilt my head back to look at him. “I want it. I want it all. Tonight. With you.” And Bram’s lips are on mine.

 

Nora is away visiting Alice for the week. My parents are out of state for three days. Before leaving, my mother said something about being responsible and safe. She pretended it was about eating healthy and locking the doors, but we both knew it was about having Bram over.

The big S word has been hovering over us for a while, now, but this felt like a good time. Bram, me, two nights in an empty house. All the time in the world. A moment that wouldn’t feel like borrowed time or stolen kisses.

And now Bram, who turned my room into the most romantic shit I’ve ever seen. Yes, it’s beautiful enough to include a swear word in the description.

 

We were both already shirtless, but by the time we reach my bed, we aren’t wearing anything but our boxers.

I can feel that Bram wants this as much as I do, maybe more, both against my thigh and in the way he’s kissing me. It’s just… a bit more than usual. I could die just for that kiss. My brain can’t process the thought that what comes next might be even more intense than this.

Whenever we move, or shift, we brush against each other, and that makes me want more, each time. I’ve never wanted anything like I want Bram right now.

At some point, he breaks the kiss and the way he looks at me could make me cry. I feel beautiful, hot, and precious.

“Okay, gorgeous,” Bram says softly. “I need to know what’s in that tiny head of yours, yeah? At this point… if we’re going to do this… I can’t guess what you want, Simon. I need to know for sure.” I nod, still trying to get my breathing to a more normal pace. “So… a few weeks back, when you said you wanted ‘me to do it’, are we clear that you meant…”

“That I want you to be inside of me,” I interrupt him.

“Okay.”

“Does that work for you?”

“It does.”

I kiss him again, relieved that what I want lines up with what he wants, and soon enough, the last traces of fabric between us vanish.

 

Bram reaches under the pillow and gets some supplies out. Condoms and lube. That stresses me out a bit. That part doesn’t feel organic. That part doesn’t just happen by kissing your boyfriend.

“Simon? Hey, baby, are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m… no?”

“Do you want us to stop?”

“No!” My voice was probably louder than it needed to, but I really don’t want to stop. It makes Bram smile. He threads his fingers through my hair and it feels nice. It calms me down a bit. “It’s just… I don’t know what comes next.”

“I know that. It’s fine. I’m right there with you. I’m not going anywhere. We have all the time we need.”

“Will you show me?”

“I will show you.” I love that he puts in his voice more confidence than I see in his eyes. I can see that he is nervous too. Bram. My perfect selfless boyfriend. I kiss him.

“Can I let you worry about the condom?”

His smile is a bit more frank this time. “Sure.”

“And what about the lube?” I ask grabbing the bottle. “When do we even worry about the lube?”

Bram takes the bottle from my hand and puts it on the bed, just far enough that I can't reach it. “Okay, let me worry about the lube.”

“Sure. What do I need to worry about?”

“Nothing. If there is something you shouldn’t do right now it's worry.” I look at him and his big, loving brown eyes are doing things to me. More than ever. There is something about the way he looks at me. “I want you to focus on me. I want you to focus on you. The logistic is just… logistic. Things will just fall into place. I love you. I want this.”

“I love you, and I want this too. So bad.”

“Then it’s all we need to worry about.”

And we’re kissing again, hands all over each other. Bram’s body is truly wonderful. To look at, to touch, to lick, to play with. And for some obscure reason, he seems to think the same thing about mine.

 

And finally, this is it. The big red line that’s on the mind of most teenagers. It’s about to happen. I am about to change something drastic about my identity, to take this gigantic new step. Part of me feels like it’s too much and that I won’t ever be able to go through with it. But an even bigger part of me is ready and can’t wait any longer.

Even in terms of ‘logistics’, I am ready, Bram is ready, we just need to cross the finish line.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he says, and he looks genuinely nervous. “Just let me know if I hurt you, okay?”

“You won’t,” I reply. And I mean it. I know him. Sweet, loving, careful Bram. There is no way he’s going to do anything rough or rushed. I trust him more than anyone else. I might trust him more than myself.

And so we get started.

 

It’s not comfortable. Not at first. But I love the way Bram looks at me. I love the words he whispers in my ear or against my lips. I love how content he looks about being in me. I love his hand around me, distracting me from the discomfort.

The discomfort, which fades away, until there is nothing left but pleasure, and Bram and I moving together. It’s looks and kisses and breath and whispers. And love. Oh man, do I love that boy. Never have I felt closer to anyone before. Right now, I feel like I truly know him, and he truly knows me. I am naked, in more sense than one, but it doesn’t feel awkward. It feels right.

It’s all a bit overwhelming. In a good way.

 

After a while, I can see that Bram is starting to struggle not to come. It feels so empowering to know that I am doing that to him. That idea, that he would try so hard to make this last, to make it good for me, but that being in me is too good to handle, navigates from my brain to my heart before radiating through my whole body. And then I’m gone. And so is Bram.

 

We are lying next to each other, panting heavily, fingers loosely intertwined. I feel light, and happy, and… fluffy. I feel like a cloud. Yep. It’s odd, I know, but that’s how I feel right now.

“So?” Bram asks. “How was…”

“Let’s not debrief now,” I say. “That’s not romantic. Let’s keep that for the morning.”

“Sure,” he says. “Come here.” Bram lies on his side and opens his arms. I curl up against him and he presses a kiss against my forehead. He wraps the blanket around us and that’s when I realize how tired I am. I guess he is too because he is really quiet and his breathing is slowing down.

I love the idea that when I will open my eyes in the morning, Bram will still be there.

Before I drift into sleep, I have this fleeting thought that my first time wasn’t Bram’s first time. Maybe one day, at some point, I’d like to know how I compared. Right now, though, I couldn’t care less. It was our first time, and it was perfect.

My mind is one hundred percent here and now. I know his is too.

“Bram?”

“Mmh?”

“See you in the morning.”

He chuckles softly just above my eyebrow and it sends shivers all the way to my toes. “See you in the morning, lovely.”

 

 


	4. Reliving it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mr: I'm satisfied with this sequel.  
> Brain: I've got another idea.  
> Me: No need. I planned three chapters, and I delivered them. Let's go back to the main projects.  
> Brain: No, but really, I have another idea.  
> Me: It doesn't sound like it fits the rest, though.  
> Brain: Give it a go. It won't take you long.  
> Me: No, I'm good.  
> Brain: PLEASE. I INSIST.
> 
> You'll never guess who caved.

I open my eyes, and for a moment, I don’t know where I am. This doesn’t feel like my bedroom.

I look at the gorgeous face in front of me, and it all comes back to me. This isn’t my bedroom. This is Simon’s. We switched off most of them, but there are a dozen fairy lights still on, and I can see more than guess his features. So many thoughts run through my head that I can barely order them.

He is beautiful. Simply looking at him hurts my stomach. I can’t look at him the way I used to. Right now, looking at his peaceful sleeping face, I get flashes of earlier in the night, when his face was so much more expressive. Just thinking about it could make my heart burst.

The sex was good, true, but it’s not that. It’s Simon opening up to me. It’s the two of us being in love. It’s every single interaction we ever had leading to this. It’s the first time we are spending the night together. Figuratively and literally. I love that we didn’t have to quickly put our clothes back on and go our separate ways. We have all night. We even have a second night.

Simon suddenly takes a deep breath and my mind entirely focuses back on him. The present him. I am desperate to touch him, so I softly run a finger on his face. He doesn’t wake up, but I can see him react to me.

This takes me back gain. To that same face, responding to those same fingers, in a very different way, in a very different context.

Yesterday, I was so nervous about this. I know that Simon was too, that he thought that maybe I had expectations for him. I didn’t. The real one with something to compare to was me. I was going to be the one he would look back to for the rest of his life. I couldn’t screw this up. I needed to make it as good as I could. I wanted to make it last. I wanted Simon to be able to look back to that moment and think of it fondly.

I thought that having done it a couple of times, I would sort of knew what I was doing. I didn’t. Simon isn’t Alex. They are two different boys, with different bodies, different reactions. It didn’t feel familiar, it felt like a discovery. It was great, and thrilling, and terrifying.

When I think about my own first time, it doesn’t feel wrong. Alex didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t do anything wrong, and we had a nice time. I don’t wish it didn’t happen. But this night will stay in my mind more intensely, I think. I was ready for the physicality of sex. I wasn’t ready for that emotional wave that washed over me relentlessly, over and over like a tide. This orgasm that came as much from my feelings that it came my body. I wasn’t ready either for that outburst of love for Simon that exploded _after_ the act, as we were both trying to catch our breath, our bodies still one.

I thread my fingers through his hair. It’s one of my favourite things. It was something I was desperate to do, even when we weren’t together. Even when it would have been a forbidden gesture because I already had a boyfriend. Now I’m allowed. So I indulge myself.

Simon shift in his sleep and I am now facing his back. I start rubbing his back, mindlessly. I guess I thought that a bit of cuddling would get me sleepy again. It doesn’t. Touching Simon bare skin while thinking about our night together is actually not a soothing combination.

I shift closer to him to spoon him and close my eyes, hoping to go back to sleep. But all I can feel is his chest against my hand moving at the steady rhythm of his breathing, the soft skin of his back against my chest, the bump of his ass where I’m getting hard. And the smell of his neck. I love that smell.

Almost instinctively, my lips start kissing Simon’s neck. I hear his breath getting slightly more uneven as he is waking up, and even more as he is getting aroused. He mumbles something I don’t understand before leaning closer to me, his hand reaching back to grab my neck.

I know that we can’t have sex, not this soon after Simon’s first time, but maybe we can still do some stuff. If he wants. He sounds like he would be willing to, but maybe I should ask.

I don’t have time though, because Simon’s hand leaves my neck to take my hand that’s still on his chest and guides it all the way to where he is harder than me.

I am more than happy to oblige.

I take care of Simon, hand around him, lips on his neck and jaw, taking in all the noises he makes.

When I manage to get him where I wanted to, Simon looks at me with heavy eyes. I help him wipe the mess and I can see that he is struggling to stay awake. I smile at him softly and kiss his forehead gently to indicate that it’s fine, he can go back to sleep. I truly don’t mind. I don’t even feel frustrated. We still have a lot of unsupervised time ahead of us. I know he’ll return the favour somehow.

Simon kisses my lips once and settles back on the bed. I spoon him again, and Simon is gone within minutes. This time, I am getting sleepy too.

That’s when I realise that not a word has been said during all of this, and yet our bodies managed to communicate effectively. I like that. It feels like a precious discovery, knowing that to some extent, our relationship is beyond words. That we can connect like this, even if one of us is half asleep. I know it’s tiny, compared to everything else that happened tonight, but I still take time to savour it.

I hold Simon a bit tighter, and I fall asleep, warmly wrapped up in all the memories of the night. The big and the small ones.

I am happy and content. More than I have been in a long time. Maybe more than ever.

I bury my head in Simon’s hair and I finally fall back asleep, smiling.

 

 


End file.
